p2pnet.net News:- Mainstream media have the ubiquitous S. Ources to keep them informed. But on p2pnet, we depend on the A. Nonymous and C.Oward news-and-views team keep us up to date.

And the guys have dropped another exclusive, this time centred on the announcement that Bill and the Boyz over in Richmond have decided to (dare we say it?) turn Longhorn into a virtual castrato.

They haven’t been able to deliver a full version so they’ve decided on a beta to get their much-vaunted but constantly-delayed Windows XP successor on the road.

We’re reliably informed that features on the Not-So-Longhorn include a new registry registry that not only keeps a database of all changes to the registry, including changes to the registry of the registry and even changes to the registry of the registry of the registry, but also allows up to 40 different impossible-to-tell-apart versions of the same DLL to be stored on hard drive;

Now read on >>>>>>>>

The Not-So-Longhorn
By A. Nonymous and C.Oward – p2pnet.net

We’ve been able to lay our hands on detailed plans of how William Gates and Stephen Ballard plan to keep Windows users at bay until they can figure out how to deliver Longhorn. Here’s our report – exclusive to p2pnet.

* An animated blue screen of death (including advertisements for Microsoft products);

* Integrating the filesystem with java, javascript, jscript, javavm, and just about everything else that will add no functionality but open a 1000 more security holes;

* New GUI effects that will make the desktop just as slow on a 3GHz CPU as it was on a 1GHz one under XP, just to keep up with the times (they can be disabled for a faster system, but the settings mysteriously come back every so often);

* New internet services nobody needs installed by default, and firewall that doesn’t block Microsoft’s own spyware;

* New pop-up blocker, which pops up a window telling you it’s blocked the popup;

* New driver system which intentionally causes instability in non-certified drivers (which isn’t really new, actually…);

* New device manager with even more useless features that don’t help real problems – but it will have animated device icons;

* More rollback and system restore features. Use all that hard drive space you’ve got going spare to weekly restore all those viruses and trojans (and Microsoft settings);

* New registry registry. Keeps a database of all changes to the registry, including changes to the registry of the registry and even changes to the registry of the registry of the registry. Allows up to 40 different impossible-to-tell-apart versions of the same DLL to be stored on hard drive;

* A new troubleshooter that jumps directly to the “This troubleshooter cannot help your problem” page, saving a lot of time;

* Easy OS fix feature. Contains a copy of WindowsXP on disk, and reinstalls it automatically it whenever one of those essential boot files gets corrupted for no good reason. Again.

And finally:

* More half-assed and badly implemented stolen Linux features. Back due to popular demand.

[When CNET announced Longhorn almost a year ago, saying it was expected to debut in 2005, it headlined the story Microsoft: Longhorn goes to pieces. Now that's perspicacity- Ed]

This entry was posted on Sunday, April 11th, 2004 at 2:45 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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