Stephen Colbert, Scientology’s new Main Man
p2pnet news view Freedom | P2P:- Wee Tom Cruise may soon have a rival not merely as the Cult of Scientology’s chief celebrity spokesman, but as its new Galactic Overlord, actual, as they say in military circles.
His name is Stephen ‘Colbair’ Colbert.”
As a godless liberal, I reject all spirituality in favor of the cold cynical emptiness of secularism,”" says Matt Tobey on Comedy Central, going on »»»
And, don’t get me wrong, it feels great. But being a godless liberal, I’m also a devout follower of Stephen Colbert. So when Stephen became the supreme leader of Scientology last night, you can imagine it left me pretty conflicted. I’m going to have to go get a government-subsidized gay abortion and think this through.
The news comes to light when Colbair reveals he’s Number One in a contest to see who a NASA space capsule should be named after.
And guess who he’s beating out?
Yes! Xenu! The Cult of Scientology’s Overlord!
Some people may not be familiar with Xenu because it’ s really hard to get on Scientology’s mailing list, he says, going on, “I believe you have to pass a personality test.”
But, “Here’s his story,” he says of Xenu, quoting from the Wikipedia, and continuing »»»
Seventy five million years ago Xenu was an evil galactic dictator who had some problem with billions of its people. So he loaded them into spaceships which looked exactly like DC8s. Even worse, he charged them $25 if they had extra luggage. Then Xenu brought them here to Eerth where he stack their bodies around volcanoes which he then blew up with hydrogen bombs.
What? You need to know more?
Are you sitting comfortably?
The Wikipedia takes up the story »»»
Xenu was about to be deposed from power, so he devised a plot to eliminate the excess population from his dominions. With the assistance of psychiatrists, he summoned billions of his citizens together under the pretense of income tax inspections, then paralyzed them and froze them in a mixture of alcohol and glycol to capture their souls.
The kidnapped populace was loaded into spacecraft for transport to the site of extermination, the planet of Teegeeack (Earth).
The appearance of these spacecraft would later be subconsciously expressed in the design of the Douglas DC-8, the only difference being: “the DC8 had fans, propellers on it and the space plane didn’t.”
When they had reached Teegeeack/Earth, the paralyzed citizens were unloaded around the bases of volcanoes across the planet. Hydrogen bombs were then lowered into the volcanoes and detonated simultaneously. Only a few aliens’ physical bodies survived. Hubbard described the scene in his film script, Revolt in the Stars —-
—- in which he says, “Simultaneously, the planted charges erupted. Atomic blasts ballooned from the craters of Loa, Vesuvius, Shasta, Washington, Fujiyama, Etna, and many, many others. Arching higher and higher, up and outwards, towering clouds mushroomed, shot through with flashes of flame, waste and fission. Great winds raced tumultuously across the face of Earth, spreading tales of destruction —- ”
Now you know.
If you’re Canadian, click here to check out Colbert’s video. Look for “Colbert Report 03/04/09, 1 of 4 and be patient for a couple of minutes before he gets to Xenu.
If you’re not, click here. 
(Thanks, Marc)
Comedy Central – Stephen Colbert: Scientology’s New Galactic Overlord, March 5, 2009
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March 7th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME
nice job Colbert.
March 7th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, THEN YOU LAUGH AT THEM…then you win.”
March 8th, 2009 at 12:13 am
I’m not a big fan of Mr Hubbard or Scientology but I bet Stephen Colbert is just trying to hide some his own crimes or something.
March 8th, 2009 at 5:09 am
I’m not quite following, LEAF. How does this suggest he’s trying to hide his own crimes or something? care to elaborate?
March 8th, 2009 at 11:00 am
Maybe the title threw him off. maybe “self appointed main man” is better suited :p
March 8th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Moo, Scientology claims that all comics, critics, curious and commentary not glorifying the humanitarian, scientific, metaphysical, medical accomplishments of one L. Ron Hubbard and company, including that every whiff of his galactic farts aren’t pure genius, inspired by his travels throughout the Universe and commune with 20,000 of the greatest minds…..well, then you have committed CRIMES.
If you go up to a Scilon STRESS TEST table, and ask something normal and obvious, like “Why don’t you have on your sign that you are Scientologists…are you ashamed of it?”
Or, “Isn’t this some kind of bait and switch, when the stress test is free but you can pay half a million dollars before you get to learn about Xenu and his magic fleet of DC8s, and then get imbued with super powers like telekinesis.”
A Scientology goon may then confront you with, “What are your crimes?” and you can answer that apparently your biggest crimes is asking a common sense question.
I guarantee that you will never get a ride on their gyroscopic centrifuge — the same one the astronauts use — which they are advertising will be equipment in their new Super Power building in Clearwater, FL.
“What are your CRIMES?” is part of their “tech” for “handling” and understanding wogs. (non-Scilons) They understand themselves perfectly, however. As Tom Cruise says in his video to his fellow space cadets: WE ARE THE AUTHORITIES ON THE MIND.
Scientologists control the horizontal and the vertical. They have powers over mass, energy, space and time! L. Ron Hubbard said so. And you my friend, have just entered the Twilight Zone. (cue Twilight Zone music)
For a little taste of Hubbard’s profound thoughs, in his own voice:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leBn2p170Sg
March 20th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
anonymous is like KKK.
They wear masks too.
They don,t burn crosses on your lawn because they are anti-religious but they do other creepy things that normal people find creepy too.
A bunch of creepy Haters with bad intentions. FOR SURE!