With Microsoft seemingly falling prey to e-bugs roughly every ten minutes and all kinds of evil hackers doing their evil thing, computer security is the hot issue right now.

What does one do? And how does one do it? We at p2pnet are feeling particularly senstive to this so we went looking for solutions and Lo! Miami Herald columnist Dave Barry has a few thoughts on the subject.

We’ve clipped a couple for your continuing education. You can find the rest of them together with Dave’s intro, here. But you’d better hurry.

"There is a Nigerian businessman, John Ombmwlbmle, who has come into possession of $285 million in cash, and he needs to give 35% of it to somebody, and out of all the people on the planet Earth, he has chosen Keyboard Korner!" says Dave, going on:

"All we had to do is send him some banking information and samples of our signature! So pretty soon we will be on "Easy Street" and won’t have to write this stupid computer advice column for you losers, so ha ha ha!"

Now read on >>>>>>>>>>>>

GET RID OF TEENAGERS. Teenagers are a major cause of computer trouble, because they think they’re so smart, and they’re always messing with things and changing things and installing things and swapping songs and downloading disgusting porno filth that they refuse to share with their parents. To prevent this from happening to you, get a good anti-teenager program such as Teen-B-Gone, which causes the computer, when booted up, to play, at full volume, a video of Barry Manilow singing his rousing hit number "Copacabana." (NOTE: Teen-B-Gone is a complex program; to install and configure it properly, you will need the help of a teenager.)

CHECK FOR INCOMING ELECTRICITY. One factor common to many computer viruses is that to function they require electricity. Get down on your hands and knees and crawl under your desk. Do you see a wire going from the computer to the wall? If so, chances are that - unbeknownst to you - this wire is bringing electricity directly into your house from a massive power grid that is also connected to prisons, crack houses, municipal sewage facilities, porno filth stores, etc.

Yank it out. (The wire, we mean.) Then curl into a fetal position and REMAIN UNDER THE DESK, because there are new computer viruses out there now that can travel through the air and bypass your computer entirely and enter your brain via your dental fillings.

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There you go : )

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 20th, 2003 at 11:08 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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