p2pnet - rss feed: RIAA receives ANAL assistance
p2pnet.net News:- The multi-multi-(repetition deliberate)-billion-dollar movie and music industries are in a terrible bind.
Wicked file sharers, some of them 12 years of age and some no longer living, are ruining their businesses and sadly, many executives have been forced to register at drug and alcohol rehabilitation clinics because they can no longer afford the vast quantities of substances they’ve become accustomed to ingesting.
Worse, almost, the cartels may soon be forced to cut off a number of friendly politicians around the world, but mainly in North America and China, who’ve been getting by on industry financial assistance programs.
Clearly, this can’t be allowed to continue, but Customer Control measures are taking longer to take hold than originally expected.
Until they do, however, the entertainment cartels may be able to draw some small comfort from the fact they’re not alone, as this confidential document posted by p2pnet reader RV indicates:
Confidential memo to ANAL members
From: American Newspaper Alliance (ANAL)
RIAA-ANAL Relations Director
To: ANAL members.
Please be informed that we have formed an RIAA-ANAL coalition to jointly advance our mutual interest in stopping piracy. As you all know, ANAL papers have given RIAA free publicity for years. Now they are helping us with their legal expertise.
I have been named RIAA-ANAL Relations Director.
We are already seeing the benefits of the ANAL-RIAA coalition.
With the help of RIAA, we have made a comprehensive study about the problem of browsing of ANAL papers without buying.
This is the problem. At a time when we are loosing sales as a result of competition from the Internet we must stop all piracy against ANAL members, who lose billions because people just browse ANAL papers at newspaper stands and stores without actually buying.
We have estimated that the number of browses of ANAL papers without actually buying the paper about 10 billion per year, in the USA alone. Considering each browsing equals a lost sale, we are loosing $5 billion in yearly sales.
The RIAA has recommended that ANAL classify the browsing of a newspaper without actually buying it an act of piracy and a crime, just as listening to a CD without buying it is a serious crime punishable with jail time.
Clearly we must act. Here are some of the RIAA suggestions we will be considering:
a. Filming people browsing ANAL papers and then sending them letters with a threat of a lawsuit and a settlement offer. The criminal can settle with us for $5,000. The cost of just answering lawsuit costs over $5,000 and the defendant may risk going to jail and appearing on our front pages as a criminal (this part is our idea), so people will tend to settle. RIAA’s similar program, RIAA tells us, is even more profitable than the sale of CDs.
b. Suing the owners of the businesses that sell ANAL papers and allow readers to browse for free. These businesses, by placing ANAL papers where people can just grab them for browsing, is inducing infringement, reading without buying. The US supreme Court has already decided that inducement is infringement.
c. Lobby to make reading without buying a crime punishable with jail time. After all, if you can go 5 years to jail for copying a DVD, why not the same for stealing from ANAL members, when ANAL is the most powerful lobby, more powerful than the music and movie cartels, above all at election time, when politicians need us most.
d. Since some ANAL members operate newspapers abroad, we must also lobby so that by treaty, other nations are forced to comply with the new American laws, if they want low interest armament loans and want to import their cheap products into America. Our trade officials at Washington have much experience on this, so there should be no problem. Also if any regime abroad opposes this, our newspapers abroad, with the help of CIA will take care of them.
If you have any suggestion or questions about this program. please contact me, your director of RIAA-ANAL Relations. [Name witheld.]
==========================
UPDATE: It’s hard to believe the above is being taken seriously. But on the other hand, maybe not.
Anyhow, it’s a take-off mocking the RIAA.
Cheers! Jon
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September 17th, 2006 at 12:52 am
omg
September 17th, 2006 at 1:30 am
Is it also an act of piracy if I go to the news stand in Wall Street and flip through a newspaper without buying??????????
Is it not ridiculous that an act which if performed in real life does not constitute piracy would rather be adjudged as piracy simply because it was performed on the internet. RIAA and ANAL are entering into an unholy alliance detrimental to the freedom of the internet.
Emcee, Ontario
September 17th, 2006 at 3:36 am
If you’re thinking this ANAL organization sounds way too bad to be true, your Sarcasmotron is in working order. Congratulations! No further action is needed.
If you’re thinking this ANAL organization sounds a lot like that ESPC embroidery software coalition thing, your “Snarky Similarities” Sarcasmotron plugin is also fully functional.
September 17th, 2006 at 5:00 am
What if you go to Subway, there are lots of left behind newspapers every morning that you can read for free. The under paid employees don’t care if you enter the store just to grab the newspaper, since that counts as cleaning up the tables a bit.
September 17th, 2006 at 5:23 am
Why would the RIAA and the MPAA need Anal assistance?
we all know they are a pile of fucking assholes who seems to think that their shit don’t stink.
Do really think they need anal suppositories or do seem to think they need a very large supply of condoms when they complain about their customers are fucking them in the ass when they excercise their legal fair use rights ?
I hear every member of the US congress is good at giving the MPAA and RIAA good head for them to buy them off especially around election time………………..
September 17th, 2006 at 9:42 am
…people who simply refuse to buy and read any newspaper? People who never even LOOK at a newspaper! What are ANAL going to do about these reprobates who are costing ANAL’s members valuable revenue? Often for years at a time!
It’s an outrage!
September 17th, 2006 at 9:49 am
RIAA wants to plug the anal(ogue) hole too!
September 17th, 2006 at 9:51 am
This _is_ a joke, right?
September 17th, 2006 at 2:08 pm
The answer is in the communications above.
“RIAA’s similar program, RIAA tells us, is even more profitable than the sale of CDs.”
Same as RIAA, same as Directv, the settlement of lawsuits ($5000 each) is far more profitable then just selling a product. There leverage to get your money in a settlement t is that you will give them there $5000 rather then pay an attorney $7000 to litigate. The problem is very little proof has to be provided to get you to into court. I had a satellite company make up a story and take me to court in an attempt to get $5000 from me. I won, I didn’t have to pay the satellite company nothing but had to pay $7000 to an attorney. Didn’t pay the satellite company anything because it was all made up.
Worse, the government defends the companies right to make up a story to the court and sue. I no longer stand behind the government for assisting in this strong arm attempt by court to take my money.